Randy Marion Purchases Entire Town of Mooresville

It has been revealed that Randy Marion has officially bought the entirety of Mooresville proper. This comes from leaked documents obtained by the Mooresville News team through sources described only as “extremely trustworthy”. 

Included in the documents provide key details surrounding the deal and what it means to the average Mooresville resident.

The documents lay out the incoming changes for the town of Mooresville, how it does business, and other smaller changes.

For starters, the official name for the Town of Mooresville will be changed to "King of Price City." and Randy Marion will hold the formal title, 

"Bishop of King of Price City, Vicar of Chris Carney, Successor of the Mayors of Former Mooresville, Supreme Pontiff of Lake Norman, Primate of the United States, Archbishop and Metropolitan of the State of North Carolina, Sovereign of the Town Hall, and Servant of Nobody".

Documents provide information regarding a transformation of Mooresville. The entirety of the town will be bulldozed and replaced with either car dealerships or designated sleeping quarters for dealership staff. Included in the forcible inscription of all able-bodied residents into full time automotive sales positions. 

Under the new “King of Price City Municipal Employment Decree,” included is a six day work week consisting of twelve hour shifts. No federal holidays will be observed as “you never know, you might sell ten cars today.”

Randy Marion will also introduce a new local currency, RandyBucks. This will replace the US dollar within city limits. This is how all employees under Randy Marion will be compensated, redeemable only at authorized company stores. This is to “just make things easier in terms of paying employees and getting them what they need. If they are unable to purchase things, like food and groceries, outright, we can set them up with our finance department and run a quick credit check to see what options are available.”

Uniform guidelines are provided in the documents as well. All salesmen are expected to wear identical polo shirts and the same cologne as Eric Broach to ensure brand unity and to make sure nobody can smell him from a mile away. 

Do NOT expect access to the Randy Marion room at Epic Chophouse as a new member of the Randy Marion team, this was explicitly stated in the leaked documents. 

Residents have mixed reactions regarding the upcoming changes.

“I think he has the right to do this,” claims Abe Singleton, “Mr. Marion has worked so hard and earned this opportunity. If anyone has any complaints, they can just pull themselves up by their bootstraps and re-purchase the town so they make the changes they want.”

“I knew the town was growing rapidly,” says Katherine Chapman, “But I wasn’t expecting twenty new dealerships and no schools.”

These changes are expected to begin around the beginning of 2027.